


How Many Letters to Say I Love You

by Hypoxia



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: ABC Challenge, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Angst, Autumn Aesthetic, D.I.C.E - Freeform, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Love Hotel, M/M, Nostalgia, One Shot Collection, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, You can pry this ship from my cold dead hands, more characters will be added later, spoilers for certain character deaths
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-01-30 03:11:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12644961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hypoxia/pseuds/Hypoxia
Summary: F - FearKokichi was absolutely terrified, but he was ready to stare death in the face to protect the one he loved. And that alone made him fearless.





	1. A - Autumn

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! It's my first Danganronpa fanfiction and I'm super hype. Hopefully I can stay consistent and complete the challenge. I have an idea for what I'm going to do for the upcoming chapters and I'm excited to try and write them, since they're super different from anything I've ever written before. Anyways, thanks again so much!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A - Autumn  
> For some reason, Autumn has always reminded Shuichi Saihara of warmth. Maybe it had something to do with holding hands and sharing scarves.

     Shuichi was never late. Sure, he cut it close from time to time, but he never quite missed the tardy bell. Yet, the chilling autumn air and the softness of his pajamas made the warmth of his bed a little too comforting to leave. It wasn’t until he heard his phone buzzing with the fifth text message that morning that he realized how late it was.

     He looked at his phone, eyes squinting as they tried to adjust to the brightness. Kaede had been texting him all morning, warning him that he’d be late. He smiled at his best friend’s thoughtfulness and shot her a quick thank you message before throwing his sheets to the side. 

     He tried to out of bed as fast as he could, but his head was so foggy with sleep that it was nearly impossible to move beyond a moderate pace while getting ready. He grabbed a somewhat folded uniform from his dresser and pulled on his cap. As he looked in mirror, he realized how grateful he was that he had showered the night before instead of leaving it for the morning. He fixed his hair and as quickly as his sleep deprived body would allow, he stumbled into his uniform and out of his room.

     When he got downstairs, he glanced at the clock. Only fourteen minutes to grab something to eat and make it to school on time. He was so going to be late. He threw open the pantry and grabbed the first thing that looked like it could pass for an okay breakfast. Cinnamon Pop-Tarts weren’t exactly the healthiest of choices but hey, it was better than nothing. 

     If Shuichi was being honest, he’d admit to loving the taste of cinnamon and spices that came with the fall season. It reminded him of his early childhood, where he’d spend lazy days reading outside while wrapping himself in cozy blankets. Autumn always reminded him of warmth, despite the chilling atmosphere. 

     When he stepped outside, the cold hit him like a wall. It was only a seven minute jog to school and once he got moving, he was sure that his body would warm up a little. That was his excuse for not grabbing a jacket, anyways. By the time he made it school, he was out of breath, cold, and very much late. He was about to take a step through the school gates until he heard a voice behind him.

     “Nishishi! Sorry, Shuichi. You just missed the bell!” Kokichi stepped up from behind Shuichi, the smirk on his face partially obscured by his autumn colored scarf. 

     The two boys had an odd kind of relationship. What began as a tense middle school rivalry turned into an awkward and unexpected friendship. It all started with Kaede mentioning something about putting the past behind them and moving forward. Kokichi agreed with her a little too easily, but Shuichi eventually obliged. As time went on, Kokichi’s pranks became less and less severe. It wasn’t until their second year that Shuichi realized this was Kokichi’s genuine attempt at becoming his friend. With that, Shuichi began his attempts at becoming better friends with the smaller boy. 

     “Kokichi, how long have you been watching me?” asked Saihara, still out of breath from the jog to school.

     “Aw, c’mon. Aren’t you at least gonna say hello?” A look from Shuichi made him answer the original question. “I only just got here too, y’know.” He fiddled with the hem of his jacket and looked down.

     Of course, Shuichi knew it was a lie. He figured Kokichi would be out here waiting for him to convince him to skip classes together. It wasn’t the first time it happened and it probably wouldn’t be the last.

     “Look, I’m not skipping out with you,” Shuichi sighed. “Let’s go, we’re already late.” Once again, if Shuichi was honest, he’d admit that the main reason that he wanted to go inside wasn’t because they were late, but because it was freezing outside. He’d never let Kokichi know that though.

     “Wow, Shuichi knows me so well!” Kokichi gave a short laugh. “Besides, you’re already late and I know you’re super cold, so let’s make the best of it. There’s this place I really want to show you.” He nearly stopped there, but he quickly added, “I promise it’ll be the last time I ask.”

     For some reason, Shuichi knew he wasn’t lying. Plus, if going with Kokichi would be enough to get him to stop asking, then it was a win-win for everybody involved. 

     “Fine.” 

     With that word, Kokichi’s face lit up like the sun. He grabbed Shuichi’s ice cold hand and pulled him around the school and into the backwoods behind the building. Their feet crushed the fallen leaves as they stepped along a worn path.

     “Kokichi where are we g-”

     “Shhh, you’ll see.” The two walked for about half a mile into the trees. The orange and yellow leaves that framed the path made the scene look like something out of an oil painting. The deeper they walked, the more intense the colors became. Soft oranges turned into deep reds and the path began to fade. In the distance, he thought he could hear running water.

     The smaller boy came to a halt and looked around. The sudden stop made Shuichi aware of himself again. The sun began to rise higher in the sky, but the air was still cold enough for him to see his own breath. In fact, his only real source of warmth was the hand still wrapped around his. The warmth felt kind of nice.

     “Uh, you listening? Earth to Shuichi. We’re nearly there.” They turned off of the path and into the tall trees. They had to be careful to step over logs and fallen branches. They trekked through the woods for another minutes until they came to a small clearing.

     Bursts of reds and yellows and oranges covered the ground where they walked. The light filtered through the trees, casting soft shadows across the clearing. The air was comfortably silent except for the sounds of their breathing. A soft breeze blew through, stirring the fallen leaves and rearranging the patterns of colors. To put it short, it was beautiful. 

     “Not bad, huh?” Kokichi let go of Shuichi’s hand and sat himself on a nearby log. “All supreme leaders need a hideout.”

     “Yeah, it’s beautiful.” Shuichi slowly sat next to the boy. “So why did you want to bring me to your hideout so badly?”

     Kokichi gave him a slightly offended look. “Wow, and here I was thinking you could appreciate this for its natural beauty. Shame on you, Shuichi.”

     “What? I mean, it’s not like that. I just figured that you-” 

     “Nishishi, just kidding!” 

     Of course it was lie. Shuichi should’ve seen it.

     “I brought you here so you could join my secret organization, duh,” he said with a big grin on his face. “At least that’s what I would say if you didn’t already know it was a lie.” 

     His smile began to fade from his face and for the first time that morning, Shuichi got a good look at the other boy’s face. His cheeks and were starting to turn red from the cold and his lips were slightly chapped. His eyes were bright in the morning sun and his normally messy hair was just a little neater than usual. Shuichi had always thought Kokichi was cute in a childish kind of way, but this was different. Kokichi looked beautiful.

     “Shuichi, would you believe me if I told you that I just wanted to spend more time with you?” Those words were enough to warm Shuichi’s frozen cheeks. “I thought it’d be nice to go somewhere alone together and just talk.”

     “Kokichi…” Shuichi’s voice trailed off, unable to think of words to say. It’s not like he hadn’t seen Kokichi’s true thoughts before. It was just that this was the first time Kokichi had taken off his mask so willingly.

     “Anyways, that was all I wanted you to see, so if you want to leave already then go on,” Kokichi was cut off when he felt a hand wrap around his. “Shuichi, what are you doing? You’re like a human icicle.”

      With a gentle smile, Shuichi spoke. “Thank you so much, Kokichi. It really does mean a lot to me for you to bring me here like this.” 

     “You’re being pretty bold, y’know. It’s a little out of character,” said Kokichi, a grin coming on his face. This time however, it was completely genuine. 

     Shuichi blushed again. “Ah, sorry. Kaede’s been telling me to… Actually, nevermind. Do you want me to let go?” The other boy shook his head.

     Both boys really were happy, surrounded by the sound of rustling leaves and softs breaths. Hand in hand, they settled into a comfortable silence. They stayed on that log for several minutes until Kokichi broke the silence.

     “But actually, you’re insanely cold.” With a small tug, he pulled his scarf from around his neck and wrapped it around the other boy. “Here, you can keep it.”

     “You really don’t have to do this. I’ll be fine once we get back.”

     “Aw, but do you know how sad I’ll be if my beloved Shuichi gets sick?”

     Surprised but happy, Shuichi smiled into the scarf that was wrapped around his neck. It was so warm. 

     Autumn always reminded him of warmth.


	2. B - Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kokichi was a mess. He was covered in sweat and his hair stuck up in different angles. His lips were bright red and glossy, slightly swollen from the night before. Bruises and bite marks covered his chest and stomach like constellations. The dark blue marks went down his torso, his abdomen, his thighs, showing exactly where Shuichi had bitten or gripped too hard.
> 
> Kokichi was an absolutely beautiful mess.

     Shuichi awoke to the sound of soft mechanical creaks and whirrs coming from across the room. These noises had become a familiar rhythm throughout his visits to the Love Suite. Shuichi could feel himself falling in and out of sleep to the noises of this mechanical lullaby, the song sounding farther and farther away. Dreamy images passed through his mind as he snuggled further into the bed, ignoring the heat building in his body. It wasn’t until the figure next to him began to move that Shuichi woke up for good.

     “Mornin’, sleepyhead,” the other figure on the bed groaned.

     Shuichi gave a small laugh at the slight irony. “Morning, Kokichi.”

     At the beginning, these visits to the hotel were only fantasies; they were a simple dream that the two boys shared. Yet, time passed and those fantasies began to slip into reality. Glances across the dining hall turned into long talks late into the night. Those talks turned into passionate encounters in empty classrooms and before they knew it, they found themselves spending nights at the Love Hotel.

     Careful not to disturb Kokichi, Shuichi gently tossed aside his blankets before pressing a kiss to the other boy’s head.

     “Geez, Shuichi, why’re you being so sweet?” questioned Kokichi, still wrapped up in a pile of blankets. “It’s gross.” He buried himself farther into one of the big, fluffy pillows that covered the bed.

     Shuichi only hummed in response to the question and did it again. Besides, he could tell the second part was a lie.

     It wasn’t like him to be so physically affectionate with his partners, but these circumstances were different. In this screwed up game, anything could happen. If Kaede had taught him anything, it was to cherish those he loved before it was too late.

     With tired legs, Shuichi pulled himself off of the giant, overly stuffed mattress, careful not to disturb Kokichi. He slowly crossed the room over to the bathroom, careful not to run into the obnoxious mechanical horse. The bathroom lights flickered when he flipped the switch, casting brief shadows across his face. Squinting from the bright fluorescent lights shining in his eyes, Shuichi started at his dishevelled reflection in the mirror.

     His bedhead stuck to his forehead with a thin layer of sweat. His eyes were bleary from the lack of sleep. Most noticeably, red scratches and dark bruises lined his chest, back, and neck, creating patterns across his body. He gave a soft sigh and turned to the shower.

     With a flourish, Saihara pulled off the rest of his clothes, eager to wash away the sweat that covered his body. Within ten minutes, he had managed to wash away the grime from the night before and clean up his appearance. He thought that maybe a warm shower would soften the colors of the marks across his body. Kokichi would get a kick out of seeing his attempts to lessen the bruises and scratches.

     Pulling on his somewhat clean clothes, he looked in the mirror and tried to make himself look slightly more presentable. He brushed back his hair and tried to smoothen the top, but his efforts were in vain. He gave up and stepped back into the coolness of the Love Suite, thankful to escape the heavy humidity of the bathroom.

     Kokichi was still curled up on the bed, his soft breathing barely audible. Shuichi hesitated before waking up the smaller boy who must’ve been exhausted.

     He gently shook Kokichi and pressed another kiss to the top of his head. “The others are going to wonder where we are if we don’t get back soon.” The smaller boy didn’t make any effort to move so Shuichi wrapped an arm around him. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you get up.”

     A small groan came from under the covers. “Fine, but you’ll have to carry me.”

     “If that’s what you want then I can try.”

     “Just kidding, I don’t need you grabbing onto me any tighter.”

     “Sorry, I’ll let go.”

     “Shuichi, that’s not what I meant.”

     It wasn’t until Kokichi pushed aside the sheets and exposed his body that Shuichi understood what he meant.  

     Kokichi was a mess. He was covered in sweat and his hair stuck up in different angles. His lips were bright red and glossy. Bruises and bitemarks covered his chest and stomach like constellations. The dark blue marks went down his torso, his abdomen, his thighs, showing exactly where Shuichi had bitten or gripped too hard.

     Kokichi was an absolutely beautiful mess.

     “I’ve gotta say, Shuichi. You really did do a good job of roughin’ me up last night.” Kokichi gave a short laugh and winced in pain as he tried to get up from the bed. “Maybe you did your job a little too well.”

     Shuichi’s cheek turned a slight pink. “Sorry.” He stood up to help his lover.

     “It’s not a big deal, y’know.” Kokichi glanced down at his legs. “It’s just gonna be fun figuring out a way to cover this one up.”

     Saihara still couldn’t believe that he had made all of those marks, those soft bruises down the other boy’s body. It was so unlike him, so different than anything he’d ever done before. It felt dirty and so out of place, but at the same time, it felt kind of… satisfying.

     “I don’t hate them. The bruises, I mean.” Shuichi was pulled out of his thoughts by Kokichi’s voice.

     “What do you mean?”

     “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not into possessive shit or anything like that.” Kokichi glanced down at the hands. “The bruises are just proof that someone wants you. Sexual or otherwise, it doesn’t really matter. Desire is it’s own twisted form of love, don’tcha think?”

     Shuichi didn’t say a word, but he understood exactly what the other boy was saying.

     “Whatever, I was just kidding anyways.”

     The ultimate detective thought he understood Kokichi better than anyone else. He understood his quirks, his dishonesty, his bad habits. But for the first time, Shuichi began to understand Kokichi’s loneliness and need for love.

     “No, wait.” Shuichi grabbed Kokichi and made direct eye contact. “You mean so much more than some desire.” He knew what he was saying was bold, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to help, to get through to Kokichi. “Love is different, it’s genuine. Yeah, it’s the feeling of being wanted, but it’s also so much more than that. It’s something beyond desire.” A light blush crept on his cheeks. “I didn’t come here because I wanted to sleep with you, I came because I genuinely want to be by your side.”

     Kokichi looked surprised for a split second before a smile came on his face. A small, but genuine smile. “You really mean it? You’re doing it because you care?”

     “Of course.”

     They sat together on the bed listening to the rhythm of the horse for a while. Persistent. Constant. Stable. It was exactly what each boy needed.

     It wasn’t until they realized how much later it was becoming that Shuichi got up to help Kokichi. They began the walk to the bathroom. Kokichi spoke first.

     “I wasn’t lying earlier.”

     “What do you mean?”

     “I honestly don’t hate the bruises. They add a nice touch.”

     The marks gave Kokichi the feeling of being wanted, of being loved. And if that’s the feeling that he craved, then Shuichi would be more than happy to give it to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!! (ノ°∀°)ノ⌒･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*☆ This was so completely different from anything I've ever written in my life and I was questioning whether or to even post it orz But oh well, practice makes perfect, right?


	3. C - Camera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> C - Camera
> 
> Shaking his head, Shuichi flipped to the next photograph. He wasn’t here to depress himself, he was here to tidy up the photographs and retrieve his camera. At least, that’s what he told himself. In reality, he spent the past fifteen minutes on the floor looking at remnants of a distant past, one that would never come back.

     Sunlight streamed through a small window in the corner of the room as dust swirled in the air, disturbed for the first time in ages. Boxes upon boxes were piled up around the small attic. Vases and silverware were strewn across the floor, while old clothing stuck out from boxes. In the centre of it all stood a raven haired man, struggling to to clean up the mess of ancient stuff he had long since left behind.

     Shuichi Saihara managed to trip on a set of old teacups, bang his foot on a wooden dresser, and nearly topple a box of rotting books before he finally made it to the other end of the room. Heaving a sigh, he plopped down on the only clean spot on the floor.

     It’d been ages since the last time Shuichi bothered to go up into the attic. Apart from the daunting mess, the items stored up there held too many painful memories. Years of loss and regret piled up and became coated in a pile of dust. He knew he’d eventually have to face his fears and venture up to the filth laden room, he just avoided it as much as he could. It wasn’t until he found himself on the phone with Kaito that he made up his mind.

     And so on the morning of June twenty-first, Shuichi Saihara ventured up to clean the attic.

     With a sigh, he began to dig through the mountain of old memories. He stumbled across all kinds of different things: sheet music from when he tried to learn piano, a box of second rate detective novels, clothes that he outgrew, and the list went on and on. It wasn’t until he came upon a small plastic box hidden behind some crates did he stop. His heart dropped, but he grabbed the box anyways, carefully pulling it closer to him. He knew exactly what was in the box, but that didn’t stop him from looking anyways.

     With shaky hands, he pulled off the lid and looked at the contents. A shiny black camera lay inside, complete with piles of unused film and and old photographs. He knew he couldn’t keep running from the past if he wanted to face the future. He picked up the old photographs and began to flip through them, one by one. Memories came racing back to him, filling his mind with images of high school friends and college adventures. 

     Shuichi gazed fondly at the first photo. It was taken directly after his third year graduation ceremony. It was one of the rare times when he had give a genuine, honest to god smile for a photograph. Alongside him stood his classmates, looking as lively as ever. Kaito stood to his left, beaming at the camera, his arm wrapped around Shuichi and Maki’s shoulder. Kaede was to his right, smiling brightly. Maki was next to Kaito, giving a small smile to the camera. The rest of his classmates either posed, like Miu and Tenko, or they were caught in the middle of a laugh, like Rantaro and Gonta. Shuichi looked over the photograph of his former classmates, feeling a pang of nostalgia. His eyes hovered over the faces until they fell on Kokichi Ouma. 

     Kokichi Ouma. Shuichi's mischievous, sarcastic, and absolutely beautiful first love.

     He closed his eyes momentarily and opened them again with a deep breath. He glanced down at the camera and wondered if he really wanted to go down this road of memories. Pushing aside his fears, he decided to keep looking through the photos.

     Some displayed him with Maki, Kaito, and his other good friends, while others didn't feature him at all. Instead they were photos he took of friends or images he found beautiful.  It wasn't until he reached the fourth or fifth photo that his fingers stopped flipping the images. His gaze moved towards a certain boy in the photo.

     Kokichi Ouma was alone in the frame in the middle of the frame, striking a pose across a desk with a giant smile on his face and a hand on his hip. His black hair was as messy as ever and his white teeth sparkled. His scarf hung loosely around his neck, his milky white skin contrasting sharply against the dark fabric. Saihara smiled softly at the photograph, his head weighed down with thoughts of high school, thoughts of Kokichi. Of course he’d remember the photograph. He took it the very first day he got the camera.

_      “Wow, Kaede! Did you actually get this for me?” Shuichi held up the Polaroid camera and inspected the lens, his eyes wide. “This must’ve cost a fortune!” _

_      Kaede gave a soft laugh and smiled at her best friend. “Don’t worry about it. Besides, weren’t you looking at it online the other day, birthday boy?” _

_      “Yeah, but I didn’t actually think you’d get it.” _

_      Shuichi held up the camera and put it to his eye, scanning the room for any potential photo subjects. As much as he’d love to take Kaede’s picture, he knew that she’d refuse to let him. She didn’t really like being in pictures unless she looked absolutely flawless. Which Shuichi thought she always did, but that was besides the point. He was about to put down the camera and save the film until he heard a voice call his name. _

_      “Aw, my beloved Shuichi! Looking for subject?” Kokichi bounced into the room, instantly alerting the class of his presence.  _

_      "No, not particularly.” _

_      Kokichi gave him a small smirk. “You shouldn’t lie, it’s bad for you. And I can tell you’re dying to test out the camera.” The boy gave a short laugh and posed himself on the table, giving a giant smile to the camera.   _

_      “You look ridiculous posing like that, you know.” _

_      “But Shuichi, I just wanted to be in a photo.” _

_      Shuichi rolled his eyes at the smaller boy’s antics but he couldn’t deny the fact that he was eager to test out the camera. He angled the camera and with a sharp click, the shutter went off. A few seconds later, the camera spit out the glossy photo. _

_      “So like, how long is it gonna take ‘til I can see it?” Kokichi walked over and leaned on the taller boy’s shoulder. _

_      Shuichi stiffened at the sudden contact. He could feel Kokichi’s breath on his neck. _

_      “I mean, probably not long if you want to stick around and wait.” _

_      “Nah, it’ll get boring.” Kokichi stood up and walked over to his desk across the room. With a wink, he turned around and said,“Oh, and by the way, you can keep the photo.”  _

_      Shuichi stared at Kokichi, the newly visible photograph still in his hand. He’d nearly forgot Kaede’s presence until she spoke. _

_      “Shuichi, you ok? He’s such a weird kid.” _

_      “Yeah, I just feel a little warm.” _

_      Later that night, Shuichi laid on his back, covering himself with his navy blankets. He stared up at the photograph in his hand and muttered softly to himself. There was absolutely no way he liked Kokichi he thought. He couldn’t fall for someone so loud and so sneaky and so pretty. _

_      “Shit, he is really cute.” _

     Shuichi could still recall how he felt that night. The night he realized that maybe Kokichi was a lot cuter than he originally thought and maybe he might be having his first high school crush and maybe the camera might’ve been one of the best gifts he’d ever gotten.

     He kept flipping through the photographs, lingering on the ones that featured Kokichi for just a little longer than some of the others. He eventually flipped to a slightly blurry photo of the two of them laying in a field. That’s right, it was the night that Shuichi finally accepted his feelings and confessed. The mess of the attic was quickly forgotten as Shuichi engrossed himself in the countless photographs of his first love. Somewhere in the middle of the pile, he found a photo of him and Kokichi. He was a blushing teenage mess besides Kokichi’s ever confident grin.

_      “So why exactly did you bring me out here?” Kokichi sat himself on the field first. “I’m guessing it wasn’t for me to model again,” he said, referencing the camera in the other boy’s hands. _

_      Shuichi laughed, albeit a little too nervously. “I just thought that it’d be nice to watch the stars tonight, that’s all?” _

_      Kokichi gave him a side eyed glance, but didn’t say anything. Shuichi caught the look and thought the other boy’s silence was rather uncharacteristic. There must’ve been a lot on his mind.  _

_      The two sat side by side, staring up at the endless arrays of constellations and twinkling lights. It was quiet, and Shuichi could feel himself growing more and more impatient with each second that passed.  _

_      “So why exactly did you bring your camera again?” _

_      “Ah, well we just left the others from the restaurant and I thought it would’ve been nice to take some group photos.” _

_      “Oh,” said the other with a flat voice. The silence continued again. Shuichi fidgeted with the camera in his hands. “That’s cute.” _

_      The sky stretched overhead, an endless array of twinkling lights. _

_      “C’mon, Shuichi. I know you didn’t bring me out here to just gaze at the stars.” _

_      He really shouldn’t have been surprised by the other boy’s bluntness but he was so on edge, anything would surprise him. “What? I mean,” Shuichi stuttered, making a small mess of himself. “Look, Kokichi.” _

_      “What is it, my beloved Shuichi?” _

_      There it was. That stupid nickname that made his cheeks turn pink. “What I’m trying to say is… No, what I mean is that- Oh hell, I like you.” _

_      Oh God. Oh God, he said it. He finally took Kokichi out one night and confessed and it was so uncharacteristic and- _

_      “I know.” _

_      “What?” _

_      Kokichi laughed and gave him a wide grin. “I told you to stop lying, y’know. Even to yourself.” He looked Shuichi right in the eyes. “You’ve liked me for months, but you’ve just kept lying to yourself about it. And I can always tell when you’re lying.” With an over exaggerated, exasperated sigh, he said, “Anyways, it took you way too long to figure it out.” _

_      Shuichi couldn’t speak, he couldn’t think. If he was being honest, he didn’t think he’d actually have the confidence to make it this far. “Well then, I guess you know for sure now.” _

_      “Wait, Shuichi.” Kokichi leaned in so close, Shuichi could see every detail of his feminine face despite the dark. “But you know..” The smaller boy’s voice lowered. “I’m not very good at lying to myself either.” _

_      “What are you-” Shuichi was cut off by soft lips against his. The kiss ended as soon as it started. They pulled apart, and for the first time, he saw a serious look on Kokichi’s face.  _

_      “You genuinely like me.” _

_      It sounded more like a question than a statement but Shuichi went with it. “Yeah, I really do.” _

_      The smaller boy’s face broke into a giant grin. “My God, he likes me.” He snuggled closer to Shuichi, taking in his warmth. _

_      They stayed in that field for several hours, listening to the sound of their soft breaths meld with the cicadas in the summer. As usual, Kokichi spoke first.  _

_      “Hey, lemme see your camera.” _

_      Shuichi handed it over with little resistance. “Why?” _

_      Kokichi flipped the camera around, pointed it at them, and smiled. “C’mon, might as well do something with it since we have it.” Shuichi smiled and scooted a little closer to Kokichi as the flash blinded them both. _

     Shuichi instinctively touched his fingers to his lips as the memory of his first confession and his first kiss faded away. The knowledge that he was never going to be able to experience that kiss again hurt, but he’d gotten used to the pain over the years. 

     Shaking his head, Shuichi flipped to the next photograph. He wasn’t here to depress himself, he was here to tidy up the photographs and retrieve his camera. At least, that’s what he told himself. In reality, he spent the past fifteen minutes on the floor look at remnants of a distant past, one that would never come back. 

     He was nearing the end of the pile, the stack growing smaller and smaller with every overturned picture. He was almost to the last photo when he stumbled upon another photo of him and Kokichi. This time however, they must’ve been nearing the end of their college days. 

     They stood proudly side by side, Kokichi with a firm arm around Shuichi's waist. Neither of their appearances changed drastically from high school. The only major difference was when Shuichi ditched his cap and Kokichi started dying his hair different shades of purple. Well, there was that and the fact that the two boys in the photo looked generally happier, especially Kokichi. After all, it was one of the best memories Shuichi had with his friends.

_      It was early on a Friday morning when Kaito nearly blew up Shuichi’s phone with calls and texts. When he finally picked up, he was greeted by the bright voice of his best friend. _

_      “Shuichi! Dude, why haven’t you picked up the phone?” _

_      “My bad, I didn’t have my phone with me.” Shuichi gave a nervous chuckle through the phone. Whatever it was that prompted Kaito to call him five times, he knew it probably wasn’t good. “Wait, no. Why exactly did you call me five times?” _

_      “You honestly didn’t think I’d forget, did ya?”  _

_      “Uh, I might’ve?” Shuichi heard Maki snicker in the background of the phone call. If Maki was with Kaito, then he probably wasn’t up to something too meddlesome. Probably. “Wait, what did you not forget?” _

_      “C’mon man, as much as I hate the guy, I’m not gonna let you miss out on your three year. Anyways, come out to the usual bar tonight. I wanna celebrate!” _

_      Oh, that’s right. His three year anniversary with Kokichi was coming up in a week. Well, it was a sweet gesture that Kaito was making and he did genuinely appreciate the thought. Shuichi knew that there was no way he could turn down his friend’s invitation like this.  _

_      Kaito continued, “I figured you two would want to do whatever it is you two do on the actual day, so I thought it might be better to do it a little bit in advance.” _

_      Shuichi smiled. “Sure, I’ll see you tonight at eight.” _

_      “Yeah, that sounds great!” _

_      “Oh my gosh, you’re throwing a party just for us?” Kokichi bounced up behind Shuichi, evidently listening to the conversation going on. _

_      Shuichi put his hand over the receiver. “Kokichi?!” _

_      “Where the hell did he come from?” Kaito questioned from the other side of the line. “Never mind, I don’t wanna know. I guess I’ll see you both there.” _

_      “Yeah, thank you, Kaito.” _

_      “Bye, Kaito!”  _

_      The couple said their goodbyes over the phone and Shuichi hung up the phone. _

_Kokichi threw himself on the couch and began to speak. “Wow, I can’t believe Kaito would actually do something that nice for us.”_ _  
_       _“He’s really not that bad once you get to know him.”_

_      “Hmm, maybe he’s not but... “ Kokichi trailed off as his eyes became wide and he began to cough. _

_      “Kokichi, are you okay?!” Shuichi quickly kneeled down. _

_      “Yeah, I’m fine.” Kokichi smiled. “Just something in my throat, no biggie.”  _

_      Shuichi could tell the other boy was lying, but he didn’t try to press it further.  _

_      “I’m telling you not to worry, Shuichi. I’m fine, trust me.” Kokichi looked Shuichi directly in the eyes as he spoke. “C’mon, we have a party to get ready for.” He quickly sat up and grabbed his boyfriend by the hand, dragging him to the stairs. _

_Of course, Shuichi was worried, but he shoved his nervous thoughts to the back of his mind as he went upstairs into his room._ _  
_ _When Shuichi and Kokichi arrived at the bar, all eyes were on them. They were the absolutely picture perfect couple, clearly happy and in love._

_      Kaede was the first to run up and pull them both into a tight hug. “Congrats, you two! I’m so happy for both of you!” _

_      One after another, their friends came to surround and greet the happy couple, each with their own way of saying congratulations. _

_      And so, the night went on with fond exchanges between close friends and laughs across the bar. Kaito was the first to notice the camera case sitting in front of Shuichi on the bartop. _

_      “Woah, isn’t that the camera Kaede gave you back in high school?” _

_      Shuichi grinned sheepishly. “Yeah, I found it the other day when I went to visit home. I thought it might’ve been nice to look at some of the pictures together.” _

_      “Yeah, like reliving the old times!” Kaito eagerly reached for the camera, but was quickly stopped by Kaede. _

_      ‘Wait, how about you let me take your picture first?” Kaede said, referencing towards Kokichi and Shuichi. “Maybe make some new memories first.” _

_“Sure, let’s do it.” Kokichi smiled brightly. “C’mon, Shuichi. I don’t think we’ve ever gotten good photo for our anniversary.”_ _  
_ _Kaede smiled fondly as she pulled down the button and took a photo of the two boys. They stood proudly side by side, Kokichi with a firm arm around Shuichi's waist…_

     Shuichi remembered that night as one of the best nights of his life. He and his friends had danced the night away, laughed until they almost cried, and enjoyed themselves in each other’s presence. He should have known it was too good to be true, too good to last. 

     Finally, he reached the final photo in the stack, Surprisingly, the picture didn’t include Kokichi at all. In fact, the photo itself was taken by Kokichi, rather than featuring him. Instead, it was Shuichi, laughing as Kokichi sat behind the camera, taking the shot. Even Shuichi himself had never seen the photo, as Kokichi kept it. Shuichi did remember taking it though.

_      Shuichi stared through the glass of the small jewelry shop, his breath beginning to fog up the windows. A small silver ring rested on a royal violet pillow illuminated by the display lights. Shuichi didn’t know why, but the ring’s silver shine reminded him of his boyfriend’s eyes. He sighed and entered the jewelry store, credit card in hand.  _

_      When he got to his shared apartment, he hid the small jewelry box in his jacket pocket, careful not to let it show too much.  _

_      “Hey, Kokichi,” he said giving his boyfriend a kiss on the head. _

_      “Morning, Shuichi.” Kokichi smiled and stretched on his spot on the couch. “What time is it?” _

_      Shuichi glanced at the DVR. “Around one.” _

_      “Must’ve overslept.” Kokichi stifled a yawn as he reached over to the coffee table in front of the couch. “Anyway, look what I dug up.” In his small hands, he held a shiny black polaroid camera. “Reminds you of when we were younger, huh?” _

_      “Ah, yeah. I guess it really does.” Shuichi opened his mouth to speak again, but Kokichi beat him to it. _

_      “So are you gonna tell me what’s in your pocket or are you just that happy to see me?” _

_      Shuichi’s cheeks turned a slight pink and he couldn’t help but mentally curse the other boy’s observation skills. Deciding it was too late to turn back now, Shuichi inhaled deeply and reached into his pocket. _

_      “Happy anniversary,” he said, his smile and blush lighting up his face. _

_      It took Kokichi a moment to register what happened, but his expression was totally worth the wait. His eyes lit up brighter than any silver ring. He quickly sat up from his spot on the couch and pulled Shuichi in as hard as he could, his arms becoming tired from gripping so hard. They held each other closely like that for a long time until Shuichi broke the silence. _

_      “You like it?” _

_      Kokichi smiled into Shuichi’s shoulder. “Yeah, I guess it’s pretty nice.” _

_      “I’m glad.” _

_      That night, the two sat closely on the overstuffed couch, the camera lying on the coffee table. Shuichi reached over and grabbed the camera. “Oh yeah, didn’t you say you were looking at some of the photos earlier?” _

_      “Hmm?” Kokichi looked up from his hand. “Yeah, I found a ton of pictures from high school.” He went back to looking at the ring he had become so enamoured with. His voice dropped down from its usually cheerful tone. “Hey, Shuichi. I really do owe you for this one.” _

_      “It’s really not that big of a dea-” _

_      “I promise I’ll get you something in return for this one.” _

_      “You promise, huh?” Shuichi chuckled at the determination in the smaller boy’s voice. “I really don’t mind if you don’t carry through with that one.” _

_      “Don’t worry, I never break a promise.” Kokichi smiled mischievously and his tone went back to normal. “Besides, I’d never lie to you.” _

_      Shuichi smiled. “I know” _

_      “Wait, can you give me the camera? I wanna try something?” _

_      “Sure, but what are you gonna do?” _

_      “Just trust me.” Kokichi laughed and grabbed onto the camera. “Smile!” he said as he moved over to tickle Shuichi with his feet. _

_      “Wait, what are you doing?” Shuichi couldn’t keep talking through his laughter. His laugh bubbled up from his chest as his boyfriend tickled him. It stopped once he heard a faint click and he saw a flash of light. _

_“Aaaaand done!” Kokichi looked up adoringly and the photo spit out by the camera. “Aw, look at how cute you look.”_ _  
_       _Once Shuichi caught his breath, he looked over at the other boy’s grinning face. “Why would you do that?”_

_      “I just wanted you to smile for the photo.” _

_      “You could’ve asked, you know!” _

_      “Yeah, but that wouldn’t have been nearly as fun.” _

_      As annoyed as Shuichi’s liked to act, it really was the little moments like these that made his days just happier and just a little bit brighter. Besides, the photo Kokichi took wasn’t that bad. _

_      “I’m keeping this, by the way.” Kokichi’s smile never faltered. “It’s for a surprise.” _

_      Shuichi laughed and went to pull his beloved in a little closer. As he reached over, Kokichi put his arm over his mouth and began to cough violently. His eyes began to water as he gasped for air in between coughs. “Damn..it...” He tried to catch his breath, but his lungs wouldn’t allow it. He just kept trying to breathe as tears began to stream down his cheeks.  _

_      “Are you ok?!” _

_      “Yeah, I’m doing great.” _

_      “Kokichi, please let me help you.” _

_      “I told you before, I’m fine.” There was a tense silence, the only noises were Kokichi’s strangled breaths. _

_      “I hate seeing you like this.” _

_      “Believe me, I hate being like this.” Kokichi sighed, his breath beginning to return from his earlier coughing. “C’mon, let’s just pretend it never happened.” _

_      “Kokichi…” _

_      “Geez, Shuichi. You’re making me sound like a broken record!” _

_      “Well how do you not expect me to worry?!” _

_      Kokichi went silent. It wasn’t often that Shuichi rose his voice, especially at someone he was close to. Kokichi lowered his gaze to the ground. _

_      “I’m sorry, Shuichi.” _

_“No, don’t apologize. It’s just that…” Saihara pulled the smaller boy in close. “I just want to believe that you’re ok. That you will be ok.”_ _  
_       _“Yeah, I know you do.”_

_      The two stayed like that cuddling on the couch until the evening brought fatigue and sleep. Shuichi could only wish that they could stay like that forever. _

     Shuichi could feel the tears beginning to prickle the back of his eyes. It had been so long since the last time he cried, whether it be by himself or in front of someone else. Shuichi remembered making a certain promise to Kokichi. 

     He remembered sitting in that sterile hospital room, holding Kokichi’s hand as he felt for the fading pulse. He remembered the way Kokichi looked at him, smiled, and told him that everything was going to be ok. He remembered the final promise that he made to Kokichi. 

_      “Promise you won’t cry for me,” he told Shuichi. “I’m not worth you ruining your smile for.”  _

     The words weighed down on Shuichi’s mind like a brick, dragging his thoughts down with it. 

_      “I- I promise I won’t, Kokichi. I swear it.” _

_      Kokichi let out a strangled laugh. “Damn, I guess I really did lie to you about keeping my promise, huh? I still owe you for our anniversary.” _

     Shuichi didn’t know what he meant until flipped over the final photo of himself taken by Kokichi. Written messily on the back was Kokichi’s final message to his beloved.

_ My beloved Shuichi, _

_      I’m sorry for not being able to pay you back for the ring for so long. It really was beautiful. I’m sorry I couldn’t fulfill my promise until now, I just never could bring myself to give it to you. It felt wrong to give you this only to leave so soon. Besides, I wanted you to find this somewhere happy, not depressing. Look inside the bottom of the camera case and you’ll find the present. You could call it something to show that I’m still with you after death. That, or you could just say that I’m just really bad at giving gifts on time. Anyway, I know that by the time you read this I’ll probably be long gone, so I’ll keep this short since I know you’ll probably cry if I don’t. I really, honestly do love you. _

_ Yours forever, _

_ Kokichi Ouma _

     For the first time in several years, Shuichi broke his promise as he put the camera away and found a tiny box wrapped in a violet ribbon at the bottom.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly can't believe the amount of support this fic has gotten, oh my gosh :') Thank you so much to everyone who read this mess of a fanfiction. And I'm so so sorry for taking so long to update! School has absolutely beaten me into the ground. Plus I kept reworking this chapter over and over again and it somehow ended up being 4k words long OrZ I hope you enjoy! I might update and rewrite some parts of this later since I'm still really unsure of it but who knows. Once again, thank you for taking the time to read this! It means the world.


	4. D - Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> D - Darkness
> 
> His last regret was not being able to see Shuichi smile one last time. That memory was the only thing that offered him light as the darkness swept over his vision.
> 
> Spoilers for chapters one through five.

     “Kokichi, would you please just tell me where you hid the keycard?”

     “Mmmm, sorry but no can do. After all, a supreme leader never reveals their secrets!” Kokichi let out his signature laugh as he sat back against the tree.

     Unfamiliar stars dotted the night sky as the two sat under the cover of a large oak, watching a steady breeze rustle the leaves while they listened to the silence of the night. Kokichi leaned closer against his lover, concentrating on the rhythm of other boy’s heart. The familiar beat filled his head as he closed his eyes and began to speak softly.

     “Don’t you get tired of asking so many questions?”

     “Hm?” Shuichi looked down at the smaller boy, surprised at his sudden change in tone. “What are you talking about?”

     Kokichi drew in a sharp breath as he spoke.“I mean, it’s all about ‘who killed who?’ and ‘why would they do that?’ and whatever.” He had clearly been on edge and those negative emotions he had been hiding with that perfectly crafted smile were finally beginning to rear their ugly heads. He felt bad for attacking Shuichi like this, but he couldn’t take it anymore. No, especially not after Kirumi’s death.

     Kokichi let out a strangled laugh, his face twisting with his words. “Does it actually really matter what happens in this stupid game? What happens to us?” He could feel himself begin to crumble as the mask he only removed for Shuichi was beginning to fall. “Honestly, who the hell would ever get any enjoyment out of this?”

     “Enjoyment? What are you talking about?” Shuichi straightened up to get a better look at the other boy.

     Kokichi clicked his tongue. “Y’see, there are all those damn questions again.”

     A tense silence weighed down the atmosphere until Shuichi spoke. “Kokichi, what brought this on?”

     The smaller boy sat upright, looking Shuichi in the eye. “What do you mean, what brought this on? We can’t do anything! What’s the point of trying to figure out what the hell is going on when we don’t even know who put us here and forced to play this godforsaken game?!” The fire in his violet eyes was only dimmed by the tears beginning to form. “All I wanted was to live…” His voice softens as his emotions grew. “I just wanted for us to live.”

     He had cracked, left himself exposed and vulnerable. “Look, I’m gonna go. I’m just not feeling it tonight.” Sloppily putting his mask back on, Kokichi gave Shuichi a plastic grin as he began to pull himself up.

     As soon as he tried to move, Shuichi pulled him closer and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, enveloping him in as much of his warmth as he could. “Don’t worry, we’re going to make it out of here alive, I promise you that.”

     Kokichi’s grin faded as his true emotions welled up once again. “Is that really the truth you want to believe in?”

     “Only if we make it so.”

     A pang of guilt struck his heart. He knew that was a lie that Saihara was trying desperately to believe. Kokichi grasped both of Shuichi’s hands and looked him in the eyes, connecting gold and violet. For the first time in a while, he genuinely felt horrible for lying.

     “Then I promise we’ll both make it out of here alive.”

     Kokichi knew the risks of the plan he formed that night as he sat alone on his unmade bed. Anything could go wrong at any second, but he had to put those fears aside. The only regret he had about the plan wasn’t about what the other would think of him or even the uncertainty of his own survival. He was more than happy to sacrifice himself if it would put an end to this horrid game and save the rest of his classmates. No, what he regretted the most was the fact that he’d have to betray the only person who was ever naive enough to trust him.

     His plan would be perfect if it wasn’t for Shuichi Saihara. It’s not like Kokichi considered their relationship a mistake. He wouldn’t trade his time with Shuichi for anything that the world could offer him. After all, this academy was its own kind of hell. The only beacon of light in the darkness of the killing game was Shuichi. His laugh, his wide eyes, and that smile. That small grin that Shuichi rarely put out there for the others to see. It was a sign of genuine happiness even when the world was watching him get torn apart from the inside out. This is what kept Kokichi from losing every bit of himself in the darkness. So it made sense when the look of terror on Shuichi’s face broke Kokichi’s heart.

     Revealing himself as the Mastermind had been his plan ever since he found out the truth about the outside world. He had no choice, the real Mastermind had backed him into a corner with a rusty knife to his throat. He couldn’t stand to see another one of his friends be picked off, much less the one he loved. He was prepared to sacrifice what was remaining of his honest self in order to save those he cared about and destroy this stupid game.

     His plan was calculated down to every last possible action. However, he knew that among those possibilities were the ones that involved the need to sacrifice his own life. He convinced himself that it was necessary to put his life on the line for this. Still, the lie provided no comfort and it certainly didn’t make him any less terrified. Late nights spent on perfecting his plans only led to anxiety whereas thoughts of actually carrying said plans only led to fear. Fear that he really would die or, even worse, that he’d fail. It would be his fault that the others wouldn’t have a chance to escape, to survive.

     So when the very scenario that he was so afraid of begins to be put into motion, Kokichi knows that he messed up. No, not in his performance. He had managed to deceive everyone into believing that he was the director of this play. It was the fact that he had played his role so well, he now sat in a heap on the floor, clutching his bleeding shoulder. The poison seared through his veins as the blood gushed from under his hand.

     He was going to die. There was no sugar coating that. Kokichi Ouma was fated to die here, as the villain that everyone desperately wanted to him to be. The only saving grace was that this would finally be his chance to stand against the Mastermind and destroy the very idea of the killing game at its core.

     He slipped in and out of consciousness as Kaito dragged him onto the hydraulic press. The metal felt cold on Kokichi’s exposed skin, even with the now bloodstained jacket beneath him. His breath was quick, ragged, and shaky, matching with the pace of his thoughts. It was a fitting end for the Ultimate Supreme Leader, he thought. His life ends in the same way it began: cold and alone.

     Images of his dead friends crossed his mind. Wait, could he even call them that? After everything that he did, could he even call Gonta his friend? What about Rantaro and Kaede who both gave their lives to stop the Mastermind while he watched, unable to do a thing. Finally, his thoughts settled firmly on Shuichi.

     Shuichi Saihara, the Ultimate Detective, and the man who Kokichi made the mistake of falling in love with. Kokichi thought about his rare, but genuine smiles that sparkled so brightly and his witty comments that never failed him laugh.

     “Hey, Kokichi.” Kaito’s voice broke through his thoughts, shocking him back into reality. “Are you sure you’re ready to do this?”

     “Doesn’t really feel like I have a choice now, do I?” Kokichi let out a strained laugh. His breath was coming out in shallow huffs now as his vision began to get blurry. This was finally it.

     Kaito shuffled around the platform above the press, making sure not to mess of the other boy’s perfect planning up. He sighed heavily. “Before I do this, I’ve just been meaning to ask you something.”

     “Not to rush you, but you’re kind of running out of time here,” spoke Kokichi in a soft voice, trying his best to sound bitter. Kaito had to hurry up or else-

     “It’s about Shuichi.”

     Oh. _Oh._

     Kaito looked straight down at Kokichi, an intense look in his eyes. “You liked him a lot, didn’t you?”

     Kokichi could feel more tears welling up at the corners of his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. No, the Ultimate Supreme Leader wouldn’t die crying. He waited a moment before responding in his weakening voice. “Yeah, I guess I really did.” He paused in thought before adding on. “Hey, can you do me a favor?”

     “Sure, man. What’s up?”

     “Can you tell Shuichi,” he choked out, “to at least give living another chance after this?”

     Kaito hesitated before answering. “Yeah, of course.”

     Kokichi gave a small hum of satisfaction as he gazed up at the iron plate that loomed down on him. He knew it wasn’t like him to take his walls down so easily, but his end was coming up so quickly. If there was something that he’d regret, it would be not being able to share his last words to Shuichi in one way or another. An additional thought crossed his mind.

     “Ah, and Kaito? One more thing to tell him.” Kokichi settled back and mentally prepared himself for the end that was sure to come soon with one of the few memories that comforted him. “Tell him to keep smiling.”

     Kokichi heard Kaito inhale as he pressed the button to lower the press. The shadow of the plate came closer and closer. His last regret was not being able to see Shuichi smile one last time. That memory was the only thing that offered him light as the darkness swept over his vision.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to crank out this chapter. Exams have been beating me to the ground. But now that they're over, I'll hopefully be able to post more often! Anyways, thank you so much for checking this out and as always, I hope you enjoyed it!


	5. E - Eternity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> E - Eternity
> 
> It doesn’t matter how much time passes. Shuichi still gets nervous each time takes his fiancee’s hands in his. The butterflies come back as his stares into those purple eyes that took his breath away the first time they met. This was different though. Shuichi wasn’t afraid of the changes time will bring. Instead, he was excited as the clocked ticked. He hears a voice speaking behind him, but he can’t focus. All he thinks about are the two words that come out of Kokichi’s mouth. The words only take a second to say, but he could listen to them for all eternity.
> 
> “I do.”

_      What can happen in a second? _

     It takes a second for the raven-haired boy’s shoulder to brush up against the smaller person next to him, gently bumping him to one side. It takes no time for him to look down and see a surprised face, cherry red from the cold, lips slightly chapped and parted. Light golden eyes meet watery purple ones and it feels like the stars have aligned for the first time in centuries.

     Ten seconds later, Shuichi excuses himself. Walking quickly through the crowd, Shuichi makes his way down to a nearby cafe, his bag swinging from his arm and bouncing against his side. He nestles himself in a small table next to the store window and stares out into the cold February morning. People hustle down the street and drag their children along, never stopping or slowing down. Somewhere off on a street corner, Shuichi could hear a distant musician singing a melody. He was sure that no one bothered to stop and listen to the music. 

     Still, Shuichi had work that needed to be done immediately, and he had no time to waste staring out the window. But as his eyes begin to focus on his own reflection, he thinks back to the boy he had bumped into on the street. His heart can’t stop pounding and the color refuses to drain from his face, even though the other boy was long gone.

     No, no, no, Shuichi isn’t the kind to believe in love at first sight. Love took time and time was the one thing that Shuichi did not have. He tears his eyes away from the glass and orders a coffee as a soft-voiced waitress takes his order. His mind goes back to the thought of the mysterious boy while he waits for his drink.

     It takes exactly twenty-four hours for Shuichi to return to the cafe. It was his own personal getaway, a place where he could escape from the speed of everyday life and take a breath whilst inhaling the scent of freshly ground coffee beans. Only minutes after arriving, Shuichi hears a light tingle from above the door as the bell rings. 

     The boy from yesterday makes his appearance, bouncing into the cafe like a snowstorm. His white coat flutters as the door shuts behind him. Looking around, he freezes for a split second when he sees those golden eyes for a second time. Still, he doesn’t waste any time in seating himself and asking the waitress for a strawberry pastry. Shuichi tries not to stare and waits the typical three minutes for his black coffee to arrive. The coffee takes less time to cool down than his reddened cheeks.

     It takes six days before Shuichi can finally muster up the courage to talk to the violet-haired boy. Or rather, it takes six days for the violet-haired boy to sit next Shuichi and begin a casual conversation, his light laugh bubbling through the air as he sees Shuichi’s cheeks turn as red as the strawberry pastries he had ordered. Kokichi Ouma introduces himself quickly. Shuchi notices that he has a habit of kicking his feet up from under the table. Whether it’s because of nervousness or anxiety, he can’t tell. 

     Shuichi offers to buy him a drink. Afterall, it only took him three days to memorize Kokichi’s order: coffee mixed with hot chocolate and way too much whipped cream on top. Kokichi laughs again once he realized that Shuichi knew his order by heart. The two boys lose track of time, indulging in pastries and warm drinks. It’s dark by the time they part ways, but Shuichi doesn’t care. He could spend eternity listening to Ouma talk and laugh while feeling his feet bounce under the table.

     It takes a week for Shuichi to fall in love. 

     His once busy life begins to slow down as he learns to stop and appreciate the time he shares with another person. He doesn’t mind setting aside the work or stopping by to talk about the most minimal of things. All he wants to do is spend more time with Ouma beyond that little cafe. Because of this, he waits another week before asking the smaller boy out of a date. With the way Kokichi’s eyes light up at the suggestion, it’s no wonder that Shuichi fell so quickly. There is just something about that energetic smile and contagious energy. 

     Three weeks later, the two sit intertwined in each other’s arms. A blanket envelops them both in soft warmth as they wrap themselves tighter while trying to escape the cold. A dying fire cracks in the corner of the room, the scent of burnt wood filling the air. Despite this, the only thing Shuichi breaths in is the scent of Kokichi’s shampoo. Every forty minutes, a new episode plays on the dimly lit television screen, but they’re hardly paying attention. Instead, they close their eyes and get closer, wishing that this moment could last forever. 

     The very next day, Shuichi asks Kokichi if he loves him. Shuichi knows the answer as soon as he sees the look on his partner’s face, yet he wants to remain hopeful. A small smile creeps its way onto Kokichi’s face as he tells Shuichi that of course, he loves him because he is his beloved Saihara. Shuichi tries to find some comfort in the lie, but he can’t bring himself to do so. He quickly excuses himself from the room. The next time they see each other, Kokichi tells him that things are going too fast. Shuichi promises not to rush him.

     It takes a year, but Shuichi finally gets his honest answer. Saying ‘I love you’ only takes a second, but he wanted to hear his lover say it for eternity.

     Within the next month, Shuichi hears Kokichi scream at him for the first time. It was something dumb, some offhand comment Shuichi made, but he knows it’s a mistake the minute it comes out of his mouth. Never had he seen Kokichi look so angry, with poison exiting his mouth and fire in his eyes. Still, Shuichi was not about to sit there and listen, especially when he’s being scolded over something so small.

     It’s not the first of the arguments, but it is the first one in which Ouma finally breaks down and crumbles. Shuichi notices it about an hour after his boyfriend locks himself in his bedroom. Kokichi wasn’t the type of person to let something so small get to him like that. There had to be something more going on. Besides, as stubborn as Shiuchi is, he knows he can’t leave Kokichi up there by himself, no matter how unreasonable he thought the other boy was being. 

     It takes a minute of coaxing and soft talking for Kokichi to finally open his door. His eyes are red and puffy, but he tries his best to hide it using his overgrown bangs. Shuichi can see through this immediately and slowly moves into the room, trying his best to be gentle. The minute he takes Kokichi into his arms, the other breaks down. He asks Shuichi if he’ll stay with him even when he acts like this. Shuichi promises to stay with him forever.

     As the pace of his life continues to change, Shuichi keeps asking himself about what could happen in a second? It’s a question he’s been pondering over since the very first day he met Kokichi. Could your life really change in a second? How could such a short amount of time really affect someone’s life that much? 

     Shuichi decides that yes, a second really is enough to change someone’s life on the day that he gets down on one knee. After all, it doesn’t take long at for Kokichi to say yes.

     It doesn’t matter how much time passes. Shuichi still gets nervous each time takes his fiancee’s hands in his. The butterflies come back as his stares into those purple eyes that took his breath away the first time they met. This was different though. Shuichi wasn’t afraid of the changes time will bring. Instead, he was excited as the clocked ticked. He hears a voice speaking behind him, but he can’t focus. All he thinks about are the two words that come out of Kokichi’s mouth. The words only take a second to say, but he could listen to them for all eternity. 

     “I do.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear, each chapter is entirely different and strange. I tried writing in the present tense for the first time and hopefully it didn't turn out too badly. Thanks for reading and once again, I hope you enjoyed it! :)


	6. F - Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> F - Fear
> 
> Kokichi was absolutely terrified, but he was ready to stare death in the face to protect the one he loved. And that alone made him fearless.

_      Moonlight filtered through the windows, casting soft shadows on the bed. Kneeling on his pillow, a young child gazed up at the night sky with wide eyes. A blanket of stars shone overhead, wrapping the night in a soft glow. Gleams of yellow and white dotted the navy atmosphere in their mellow light. The boy’s violet eyes reflected the light, shining just as brightly. It was the first gleam his otherwise dull eyes had encountered in a long time. _

_      The boy was jealous of the stars, of their freedom, of their radiance. All he could do was stare up at them, wanting everything he knew he couldn’t have. He rested his forehead against the cool glass of the window and watched his deep breaths fog the glass. The vapor blurred the image of stars. The only other sound apart from his breathing were the soft snores of the other orphanage children.  _

_       He sat like that for a while and thought about himself, about his fears, about his friends. His teammates. His organization. That’s right, they were his organization.  _

_      His.  _

_      He took a deep breath. It didn’t matter that he was a child, he needed to protect them. He needed to be strong. Leaders were always strong, and the strong are never scared. But the truth was, Kokichi was absolutely terrified of being unable to protect the first good thing that had ever happened to him. That’s why he had suggested forming their little group. If they could be together, he could keep them safe. _

_      He gripped his headboard tighter and tighter until his knuckles turned white and began to hurt, almost as if he was trying to hold on to it and never let go. Another deep breath. Just keep breathing, he reminded himself. _

_      Suddenly, a bright light shot through the sky, shaking the boy out of his thoughts. With a quick flick of the hand, he wiped the fog off of the glass and stared out the glass. Another shooting star streaked across the sky in a flash.  _

_      He knew it was childish. Beyond childish, actually. But Kokichi needed even the faintest glimmer of hope if he had any chance of protecting his friends. If that hope was found in the form of a shooting star, then the boy didn’t care how stupid or naive it was. He clenched his eyes shut and whispered softly against the glass. _

_      “I wish I wasn’t scared anymore.” _

     He just wanted to protect them. To keep them safe.

     Kokichi Ouma, now very much a young man, stared down at the Monopad he clutched in shaking hands. It wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t have stopped this. He was trapped. However, staring down at the image of his bloody and battered friends while whispering those hollow words to himself did nothing to calm the churning in his stomach and the disgusting taste filling his mouth. 

     This was his fault.

     He should’ve been stronger.

     He should’ve fought back harder when his kidnappers shoved him in the car.

     He should’ve tried to escape the Gifted Academy for Juveniles faster.

     He should’ve done something. Anything.

     But he didn’t. Why? Because he was scared, not only for himself, but for the others he had met. Kaede with her beautiful smile and Rantaro with his lazy laughs were both ripped away from him. D.I.C.E., the very organization he was supposed to lead, were possibly dead in a cell rotting away. Every other student in this hellhole could wake up that morning with a knife in their back and there was nothing Kokichi could do about it. Yes, he was scared that everyone else, including himself, were going to be deal before he could take down the Mastermind.

     Even Shuichi couldn’t outwit a mastermind he was destined to lose against.

     Kokichi knew that he shouldn’t have picked up the tablet left behind by the stupid bears earlier that morning. He should’ve ignored the whispered shouts and gone back to bed, back to the mildly comforting dreams about his childhood. He should’ve gone back to the world where he could be with his best friends.

     There were so many ‘should haves’ in the situation, to the point where it was eating him alive. He knew he had made many mistakes throughout his life. He didn’t realize that they would come back to haunt him so soon. Among those mistakes were instances of letting his guard down and letting people in.

     Kokichi never considered himself a saint. Sure, he wasn’t a bad person, but he wasn’t the kind of guy anyone should or could ever trust. After all, his entire being was a paradox; a liar who hated lies. Even to himself, Kokichi would lie and say that he would never let anyone else in. If he wasn’t strong enough to protect those close to him, then he just wouldn’t let anyone near him. So when the other orphanage kids insisted on getting close to him, he should’ve pushed them away. Another should’ve. Another mistake.

     At that moment, Kokichi was just too tired, too emotional, to think of what his next move would be. So instead of planning against the mastermind, Kokichi simply plastered his plastic smile back on as if nothing had ever happened and opened the door. One of the D.I.C.E. members had once mentioned that it took a lot of courage to smile in the face of despair. This isn’t courage, Kokichi thought as he stepped out of his room to meet the others for breakfast. This is a lie.

     His feet hit hard against the pavement as he tried to avoid the blades of grass being thrown around by the Exisals clearing out the land. Against the sound of mechanical clanks and whirrs, a voice behind him called his name.

     “Kokichi!”

     Kokichi turned on his heel to face the voice speaking to him. “Ah, if it isn’t the Ultimate Detective himself!” Kokichi let out a short chuckle and a smile that’s just a tad too wide for his face. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

     “You’re going to breakfast, right?” Shuichi offered him a genuine smile as if to balance out Kokichi’s obviously fake one. “ Let’s head there together if it’s fine with you.” 

     Shuichi Saihara really was strong in his own way. If he was being truly honest with himself, Kokichi might have even said that he admired Saihara. He didn’t hesitate after Kaede’s death but instead used it as motivation to move further and to prevent more murders from happening. Shuichi was ready to take responsibility for the other students’ lives in his own hands. He really was amazing, at least in Kokichi’s eyes.

     “ - you listening?” Shit, Shuichi had been talking, hadn’t he?

     “Ah, my bad, Shuichi! I was too busy thinking about how much better you looked without that emo hat.” Kokichi gestured to Shuichi’s face. “It covered your pretty eyes.” Shuichi let out an exasperated sigh and stopped in front of Kokichi, forcing the smaller boy to look up at him. 

     “Shuichi?”

     “I was asking about the videos.”

     This was the very topic Kokichi was hoping to avoid, at least until they got to the dining hall. Hopefully, Shuichi didn’t his nervous glance to the side. “Hmm? Oh yeah, those? They were probably fakes or something.” Another forced laugh. “Still, they make me think that those stupid bears might actually use them as a motive.”

     “No, not about that.” Shuichi made direct eye contact and held Kokichi’s gaze before speaking hesitantly. “Are you okay? Your smile seems…” His voice trailed off and Kokichi knew immediately his fake smile had been caught. 

     He didn't want to expose his emotions to Shuichi. Well, he didn't want to expose them to anyone really, but especially not to Shuichi. Not to someone who could probably notice and expose his fears easily. So Kokichi blinked his eyes, took a breath, and did what he knew best. 

     “Are you saying that my smile looks ugly?! You don’t like it?!” Change the subject, exaggerate the situation, make him uncomfortable. Kokichi knew that Shuichi saw straight through him and in that moment, he was not ready to be transparent.

     Another sigh reached the sad look in Shuichi’s eyes. “Kokichi, you don't have to pull this with me. You don't have to lie.” 

     Dammit, why could he see past the mask? Why was he able to look at Kokichi the same way that the D.I.C.E. members did, with a concerned look. 

     “Pull what, Shuichi?” Kokichi snorted and turned away. “You know I'm always honest with you.” His feet began to move again. “I'm doing great, for your information.” 

     Shuichi Saihara was somehow the first person to get a glimpse of what the real Kokichi Ouma was like. He was the first to make an effort to understand the enigma of a boy and it left Kokichi a confused and emotional mess. Not that Kokichi would ever tell that to him.

     Even after the mystery of the Monopads was solved and Ryouma and Kirumi’s deaths took place, Shuichi stood strong. Shuichi stayed by Kokichi’s side, more than happy to play along with the smaller boy’s games because he saw the impact that Kirumi ’s death had on him, even if Kokichi refused to admit it. But time was running out and they both knew it. Between the games of cards and false promises, Kokichi felt a familiar feeling crawl its way into his heart. 

     He had lied to himself again, even after he said he wouldn’t get close to someone else after what happened to his last group of close friends. Yet, after that pain he’d felt of losing those close to him, he still wanted to be strong enough to protect Shuichi Saihara. He wanted to do for him what he couldn't do for D.I.C.E. He wanted to secure the future. Kokichi felt himself fall more and more for the taller boy and his kind smiles. He had finally found something else that he wanted to protect, and this time, he wasn’t letting go.

     Days after days passed and the time to put his plan to motion drew closer. With that, his anxiety grew. Although he could never admit it, he really did hate the Killing Game with all of his heart. But he would hate himself even more if he didn't do anything to stop it. 

     For hours, he planned and prepared for the worst possible situations. He had stolen a chalkboard from one of the empty classrooms, his scribbled writing taking up most of the board. Vivid descriptions and crude drawings appeared just as quickly as they were erased, with the information cycling out as they learned more and more about their current situation. Each swipe of chalk brought new ideas and scenarios to write down. At that point, he moved on to scribbling on spare sheets of paper he could steal from Miu’s lab. 

     Speaking of Miu, he knew that she’d make her move against him soon. She’d already locked herself in the computer room for a few days straight. It was only a matter of time before she set her plan into motion and when that happened, the clock would be up for Kokichi. There would be no more turning back. He stared up at the ceiling and huffed out a humorless laugh as he overturned his plans again and again in his head. This was it. The last few days he’d be able to live alongside Shuichi and the rest of the group as Kokichi Ouma. The thought made him shudder, but it didn’t discourage him.  He swore to himself that he’d overcome his fear of dying if it meant ending the Killing Game. A quiet knock on the door ripped him from his thoughts and he knew it was time. He took another deep breath and whispered to himself. 

     “Do your worst, Mastermind.”

     Kokichi was absolutely terrified, but he was ready to stare death in the face to protect the one he loved. And that alone made him fearless. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait, I'm still alive? Shoutout to everyone who's reading this even after my months of being mia <3 I love and appreciate y'all so much and I'm sorry for taking forever!  
> This was originally gonna be f for flowers and centered around the Hanahaki disease but I really wanted to explore Kokichi's character a little bit more thoroughly after some of the other chapters I wrote earlier. So if it wasn't super romantic then that's probably why OrZ  
> Still, I hope you enjoy!! 
> 
> Come yell with me and tell me what to write!!! ☆ TUMBLR: https://remnantofdespairs.tumblr.com/


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